Most of us have good memories of middle school. Ones we want to cherish forever. Well, some of us don't. I don't.
But I am glad it happened, because it made me a stronger person. It has made me what I am today. A lot more has happened, much more than I can muster up courage to actually write because writing it means reliving it. But all of it has made me realise my own worth, the importance of self-believe and self esteem. It has made me realise the importance of having the 'right' people in my life because no real friend would have done that to me. And this is why I chose to share it. Because once it's out in the whole wide world, it's not only my secret anymore. It's a story. I guess it's time I shared it and got over it.
I cried through each grade of 6th grade because a certain guy, let's call him M, turned all my friends against me and the entire class expressed that sentiment in a game of 'Fishpond.' This game is where every person in the group of people playing takes a chit of paper and writes 1 name of a person they like from that group and 1 person they hate. I faced humiliation because every single person in 6th grade (except me) wrote that they hated me.
I still remember that day like it happened yesterday. It was one of my brief experiences with what we refer to today as bullying. I wasn't physically ragged but emotionally I was shattered. Imagine a 13 year old, being made to realise through her peers that none of them liked her or thought of her as a friend. Some of those 6th graders happened to be my childhood friends, people I'd literally grown up with. Let's call them P, H, U and obviously, M too.
None of them mattered as much as these people did. But these people voiced the same opinion as well.
P was one of the closest friends I'd ever had and he turned around, indulged in a wave of early teen popularity, never to look back at our friendship again.
H was my partner in everything, but all of a sudden, she had changed too. She needed some space. She didn't like me anymore.
U... well he was the silent kinds... what can I say, but I thought we had a lot in common. Perhaps not. Because I would never be such a bitch to someone I called a friend.
And then there's M, where can I even begin about him. I think I was M's entertainment, then. He found happiness in pulling my hair everyday. By pulling I do not mean casual pulling - pulling so hard that my head hurt and my skull swelled up. He stole my homework. Got me into trouble. Created misunderstandings. He found amusement every time i cried. He made it his personal mission to make my life a living hell.
My teachers thought I was overthinking it. My parents thought I was rebelling. No body wanted to believe what I had to say. My teachers said that I was good at everything I did and that's why they were jealous. My parents thought my behaviour and attitude towards things in general wasn't exactly right. Which was leading to these series of events.
Middle school was hell. Nothing has gotten worse till date and probably never will.
M, P, H and U are in touch with me even today. In fact M, P and U even did high school with me and U is in the same university as I am.
Yes they continued to do some equally disturbing things along these years as well, but they were too late. Because what they did in my middle school helped me build a defence. A mechanism of defence where nothing could affect me anymore. They killed a part of me which wanted to blindly trust and cherish people for who they are. They gave birth to a new me. A 'me' that is more careful, less trusting and absolutely emotionally stable on the outside. A 'me' that does not believe in crying often because I can only imaging M's laughter every time he made me cry.
I talk to them even today. It's surprising how people change. I wonder if they ever think about their middle school and I'd like to know what they have to say to it. But for me, they merely exist. They are still my 'friends' I guess and yes, if anything happened to them, I would still be there for them, because I believe that I want to be a better person and I choose to forgive them.
But I am glad it happened, because it made me a stronger person. It has made me what I am today. A lot more has happened, much more than I can muster up courage to actually write because writing it means reliving it. But all of it has made me realise my own worth, the importance of self-believe and self esteem. It has made me realise the importance of having the 'right' people in my life because no real friend would have done that to me. And this is why I chose to share it. Because once it's out in the whole wide world, it's not only my secret anymore. It's a story. I guess it's time I shared it and got over it.
I cried through each grade of 6th grade because a certain guy, let's call him M, turned all my friends against me and the entire class expressed that sentiment in a game of 'Fishpond.' This game is where every person in the group of people playing takes a chit of paper and writes 1 name of a person they like from that group and 1 person they hate. I faced humiliation because every single person in 6th grade (except me) wrote that they hated me.
I still remember that day like it happened yesterday. It was one of my brief experiences with what we refer to today as bullying. I wasn't physically ragged but emotionally I was shattered. Imagine a 13 year old, being made to realise through her peers that none of them liked her or thought of her as a friend. Some of those 6th graders happened to be my childhood friends, people I'd literally grown up with. Let's call them P, H, U and obviously, M too.
None of them mattered as much as these people did. But these people voiced the same opinion as well.
P was one of the closest friends I'd ever had and he turned around, indulged in a wave of early teen popularity, never to look back at our friendship again.
H was my partner in everything, but all of a sudden, she had changed too. She needed some space. She didn't like me anymore.
U... well he was the silent kinds... what can I say, but I thought we had a lot in common. Perhaps not. Because I would never be such a bitch to someone I called a friend.
And then there's M, where can I even begin about him. I think I was M's entertainment, then. He found happiness in pulling my hair everyday. By pulling I do not mean casual pulling - pulling so hard that my head hurt and my skull swelled up. He stole my homework. Got me into trouble. Created misunderstandings. He found amusement every time i cried. He made it his personal mission to make my life a living hell.
My teachers thought I was overthinking it. My parents thought I was rebelling. No body wanted to believe what I had to say. My teachers said that I was good at everything I did and that's why they were jealous. My parents thought my behaviour and attitude towards things in general wasn't exactly right. Which was leading to these series of events.
Middle school was hell. Nothing has gotten worse till date and probably never will.
M, P, H and U are in touch with me even today. In fact M, P and U even did high school with me and U is in the same university as I am.
Yes they continued to do some equally disturbing things along these years as well, but they were too late. Because what they did in my middle school helped me build a defence. A mechanism of defence where nothing could affect me anymore. They killed a part of me which wanted to blindly trust and cherish people for who they are. They gave birth to a new me. A 'me' that is more careful, less trusting and absolutely emotionally stable on the outside. A 'me' that does not believe in crying often because I can only imaging M's laughter every time he made me cry.
I talk to them even today. It's surprising how people change. I wonder if they ever think about their middle school and I'd like to know what they have to say to it. But for me, they merely exist. They are still my 'friends' I guess and yes, if anything happened to them, I would still be there for them, because I believe that I want to be a better person and I choose to forgive them.
Yasha, everywhere on earth, this keeps on happening, but how you face, how you stand out matters, forgive everything and move ahead. One e.g, I saw one day some young teens teasing one physically challenged person. It was and is wrong for our perspective but those teens enjoyed. But the person who was teased was very strong and least bothered. As this might have happened daily to him. So now with this example you were in better position. Atleast now onwards, never keep your emotions suppressed. Express it immediately as they keep on disturbing you regularly. All this hurts make people build empire as fire is lit in their heart. Good you expressed, don't keep any grudges. As a parent I fell short to understand you, I am sorry for that.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I think that I was just like M as a kid, except lonelier and worse: beating people, throwing chairs. I wouldn't want to keep going on about the things I did. Quite like you, I had my name in everyone's list of people who was most hated in my class. There was a point where parents of other students asked that I be expelled from the school! In a sense, they got their wish as soon as I got done with my boards. It often takes a shift in scenery (or school) to make a change.
ReplyDeleteI shifted school and started over. I tried not to be violent. I tried not to be vicious. I ended up closing myself off to everyone's gaze. Every 'friend' that I have today cannot tell what I am thinking, my relationships are purely intellectual, if at all. Hell, I doubt my parents can tell what I am thinking. I have recognised this, but now I have become this guy listening to others quietly, judging internally, but never saying a word! Now I feel disconnected from anyone and everyone. It burns to think about it, and anger has become deep sorrow inside of me. Don't try to cut yourself off totally. You alienate yourself from people.
Recently, I found hugs to be a good way to reconnect with people. I have made 'friends' with people I had attempted to kill, and not got sent to jail for. Try finding not just an outlet, but also an inlet for love and affection! You are a critical thinker: think critically!