There comes a point in our lives where you don't know what's happening around. Everything seems like a big blur, you don't know what's right and wrong. You don't know who your friends are, who really cares for you and who doesn't. You eye everyone around you with a doubting gaze because you aren't sure anymore if they ever considered you worthy of a friend or not.
Yes you feel guilty about doubting people but then you need to realize that it's because of them you are in a position like this.
We all have different dimensions in our lives... family is separate and friends are. Family, as they say, is and always will be there for you because you are bound by blood. The individual's aspiration is that they find friends who will also be there.
I feel like I have failed in the latter dimension. It's probably me... because so many people can not be bad or incorrect when they chose not to maintain their relationships with me. I hoped of finding new people, ones like me.. but I guess, no one is like me.
I don't know if that is a good thing or not. As much as I'd like to stand out, I'd also like to be with a bunch of people who enjoy my company and are willing to spend at least some time with me.
People around me these days.. it just feels like they unwillingly spend time with me. It's like they are under an obligation. Till when will these obligations go on anyway? And every time you ask them the reason for such cold behaviour - all they have to say is that 'nothing happened...you are over thinking'.
Well, why can't people just say upfront that they don't wish to spend time or talk anymore. Every thing would be so much more easier. Why do people say that they will meet you and after you've waited till 2 am in the morning, they make you wait some more, then come only to tell you that they have work and so they are going to go off with someone else now.
Yes, the truth might hurt a little, but atleast in the long term the expectations wouldn't rise and when they don't rise, they wouldn't hurt.
I don't understand why people don't understand the simplicity of conversation and communication. Why can't we just sit and have a normal conversation about how our day was and how beautiful the weather outside is. Why do you have to worry about the fact that your almost girlfriend or whatever she is will spot you with me and have a problem. And if she does.. you're in for a crazy mess mister.
Why do people choose some people over the other all of a sudden? Just because you made a new friend or someone moved into your room doesn't mean you should forget your old friend and ignore them. Just because you have a boyfriend who has fucked up perceptions about emotions, life and other normal things in general doesn't mean you should listen to everything he says and ignore someone you called your best friend.
All of these things may seem small but imagine all of them acting out on person at the same time by 4-5 different people.
How does one deal with a best friend far away, continents apart. All he can do is console me on skype. Others who live with me are all acting up in ways I can't comprehend - making me doubt my role in their lives.. does it even exist? did it ever exist?
The only option I have left is to give up. Give up this quest of hoping to find friends that could be of more worth than family ever has been. To learn the art of being happy by myself. Indulge myself into the world of books and movies and stories... coz atleast they won't abandon me like this. To find pleasure in the company of my own self or create another self perhaps.
I GIVE UP.
Yes you feel guilty about doubting people but then you need to realize that it's because of them you are in a position like this.
We all have different dimensions in our lives... family is separate and friends are. Family, as they say, is and always will be there for you because you are bound by blood. The individual's aspiration is that they find friends who will also be there.
I feel like I have failed in the latter dimension. It's probably me... because so many people can not be bad or incorrect when they chose not to maintain their relationships with me. I hoped of finding new people, ones like me.. but I guess, no one is like me.
I don't know if that is a good thing or not. As much as I'd like to stand out, I'd also like to be with a bunch of people who enjoy my company and are willing to spend at least some time with me.
People around me these days.. it just feels like they unwillingly spend time with me. It's like they are under an obligation. Till when will these obligations go on anyway? And every time you ask them the reason for such cold behaviour - all they have to say is that 'nothing happened...you are over thinking'.
Well, why can't people just say upfront that they don't wish to spend time or talk anymore. Every thing would be so much more easier. Why do people say that they will meet you and after you've waited till 2 am in the morning, they make you wait some more, then come only to tell you that they have work and so they are going to go off with someone else now.
Yes, the truth might hurt a little, but atleast in the long term the expectations wouldn't rise and when they don't rise, they wouldn't hurt.
I don't understand why people don't understand the simplicity of conversation and communication. Why can't we just sit and have a normal conversation about how our day was and how beautiful the weather outside is. Why do you have to worry about the fact that your almost girlfriend or whatever she is will spot you with me and have a problem. And if she does.. you're in for a crazy mess mister.
Why do people choose some people over the other all of a sudden? Just because you made a new friend or someone moved into your room doesn't mean you should forget your old friend and ignore them. Just because you have a boyfriend who has fucked up perceptions about emotions, life and other normal things in general doesn't mean you should listen to everything he says and ignore someone you called your best friend.
All of these things may seem small but imagine all of them acting out on person at the same time by 4-5 different people.
How does one deal with a best friend far away, continents apart. All he can do is console me on skype. Others who live with me are all acting up in ways I can't comprehend - making me doubt my role in their lives.. does it even exist? did it ever exist?
The only option I have left is to give up. Give up this quest of hoping to find friends that could be of more worth than family ever has been. To learn the art of being happy by myself. Indulge myself into the world of books and movies and stories... coz atleast they won't abandon me like this. To find pleasure in the company of my own self or create another self perhaps.
I GIVE UP.
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