Scared but sure.

I'm just scared. Scared of losing you. Scared of what will happen next. 

But that doesn't mean I will stop you from doing the right thing. 

Yes, he may ask you to stop talking to me, or something like that... but you have to take your chance. He's your best friend after all. Friends always come first. Relationships come and go.

More than anything in this world, I'd like to be your best friend. 

Love is Friendship. 

Yes I want to you to hold me in your arms, hug me, kiss me and never let me go. but more than that I'd like for you to do what is right...What is right for you. 

No one can take that call for you... not me or not anyone else. You are the one who has to make the decision, the call. It's a decision you have to make alone. 

All this while, I will support every decision you take. even if it goes against what I want. I will respect your choice no matter what it is. 

Don't worry about me... do what's right for you. I'm happy if you're happy and you'll be special no matter what. 

You are my reformation

You make me happy beyond reason, you make me giggle, you make me smile.
You have transformed me into the person I always wanted to be.
I long to look into your eyes and tell you that I love you, but I am scared.
Scared that it's not what you want to hear right now.
You're in the phase of 'not' believing and 'not' trusting.

I like you, I really do. Don't get me wrong... but I don't know how to say it to your face...
it's the fear of denial. Fear of facing something I don't want to face right now.
REJECTION.

One thing I can assure you is that whatever this is, it's going to be long lasting.

Yes, I like the chill down my spine every time I hold your hand and I can feel my heart skip a beat every time my head is on your shoulder and your head on mine.

Nothing matters when I'm with you. Time flies. Other people blur and nothing is as important as you.

Your smile can brighten up my day and I would do anything for one glimpse of it.
You're more important to me than you can assume.

You're like the morning after the darkest hour,
like a bottle of water after a long trek
like a gust of cool wind after a hot day
like a 6 course meal after starving for 8 days
You're like the reformation after renaissance

It's just a bend... not the end.

Life gives us the biggest roller coaster rides every time. I'll make sure you enjoy each one of them.

If you are scared of heights, jump from that height... because that's the only way you'll touch the ground.

All the bumpy rides that you'll have, they'll make you fall. But you need to remember to get up each time.

And at any point in time, you feel scared... look by your side... I'll always be there

ready to tickle you and make sure you smile

Every time you cannot sleep because someone or something is bothering you... remember that there is someone who craves sleep (me). So make the best of your time and sleep because when you sleep you dream and when you dream, life is good :D

You don't trust love anymore. I'll make you believe it.

Remember, for anything and everything it's never the end... it's always a bend.

You made a choice... I love it !!

You're the most beautiful thing that has happened to me in forever. You should know that. You're the reason I picked myself back up and got on with things in my life. You're the reason I wake up to see the morning sun everyday. You're the reason I want to do better things in my life now. you're the reason I smile.

If only I were to return your favours ever, they would be in roses and chocolates and smiles and most surely my heart. Never could I dream of letting a tear drop your eye because me or be the reason for your gloom. So trust me and don't be scared. Take a deep breath and let the past go.

Enjoy the new fresh air of the newly bloomed roses because Summer is here. Days of gloom are over and there's only happiness in your life. You'll get it because that's indeed what you deserve. Most importantly I want to be the one giving it to you!

So give me that chance, let go of your fears

Jump High and Take The Next Shot :*

Hello to you too, Summer.

Whatever happens, happens for good.

I just have a stronger to reason to believe in this statement more strongly than ever.

All seemed sad and life was in gloom
While a hidden flower was yet to bloom
it was waiting for a right time
never speaking a word, forever in mime

The sun didn't smile enough
neither did the moon shine.
Or probably the moon did,
but it was for someone else all this time

Gloomy days passed and so did winter
until i found the hidden flower
the flower was as pretty as spring
and  was the perfect way to welcome summer

Winter is gone for now
and summer prevails
gone are the layers of hiding
and the skin can now be exposed

I know it will be back
But i will be ready for it
with summer by my side
because winter was my past
This summer is my present

MADY

It's funny how we can actually relate TV shows with our lives. It's as if the TV show was made for our life and to make us realise how much drama our lives actually have. For me it started with the Vampire Diaries in 2011, the Originals in 2014 and Awkward in 2015. Thanks to all the amazing friends who encourage me and get me hooked up to TV shows. :P

Something that happened yesterday just keeps ringing in my head and I must write it down to let it out. 

This is a story of 4 people - M, A, D and Y

Y liked M and D liked A. 

M and Y never dated because M was a bummer and Y a hopeless romantic

A was a bitch to D, she screwed up their relationship and eventually broke up with D. 

M and D are best friends while Y and A don't even talk to each other.

A gets closer to M while A is dating D. Y doesn't like it, neither does D. 

Y and D haven't ever spoken to each other before. 

M started ignoring Y and started spending hours and hours with A. 

A started ignoring D while they were dating and started spending time with M. 

D is really affected but doesn't say anything because he still likes A and M is his best friend. 

Y attempts to talk to D to ask about M, she is heartbroken too. 

Turns out Y and D have a lot more in common than they think they do. 

While A and M are still on their roll, Y and D get closer. 

D is sure, unlike Y, that A and M will never date because they aren't into each other.

D and Y are getting closer by the day. 

D and Y don't "like" each other.

They're just happy in each other's company. 

They both are going through the same thing, hence they understand. 

M and A both react to Y and D getting closer. 

They taunt D. D is confused, yet clear that he doesn't want them to dictate his life. 

Y is just furious and wants to confront M and A, but doesn't. She's scared of the reciprocation of D.

Y doesn't want to do anything stupid to lose D as a friend right now. 

Basically, DRAMA. 

Trust me. 

I'm Y. 

The Red Letter

I started talking to this certain person when I was a damsel in distress. He helped and was sweet. Is sweet yet. Such are times when you start believing in fate. If things are at their worst, they only get better.

Somehow both of us are facing the same problems and since we cant do anything about it, we just joke about it and laugh it off. occasionally teasing each other about it. It all started with a cute letter in a sweet red envelope randomly handed over by him to me. I still remember how he ran away the moment I asked him what it was. 

With some enthusiasm and a lot of curiosity, I opened the letter, to find one of the cutest poems I have read in my life. He asked me to smile more because the bad phase would pass. He made me feel good about myself. Something I'd forgotten to do for quite some time. 

It's special, that letter. More special than a certain birthday song that had been sung to me claiming I was special, while that person made me feel everything but special. This letter atleast wasn't based on fictitious claims and things he didn't mean. Or so I hope. I never managed to reply to that letter, but one day I'd like to. I don't know what's appropriate and what's not. Should I tell him how much that letter helped me? Or how much it makes me smile every time I read it? Should I tell him I think about that poem atleast once a day or every time I feel dejected and lost? Or should I just let it be? Will he think I am not reciprocating or not thankful if I don't reply at all? 

I am probably overthinking. But that's what I do best. Should I tell him how much the letter means to me and that I would kill to have a friend like him in my life. Should I tell him he should stay and be there because I want him to? Or because I need him to.

Should I say anything at all? 

Over worked

People always talk about being busy and having lots of work to do. We assume that they are either ignoring or trying to get themselves out of things they don't particularly want to do.

Well, one thing I have learnt after coming to college is that being BUSY can actually be a reality. At least for me, it is. It's not that the workload is too much or we have a lot of assignments or a lot on our plate for that matter. It's just the fact that we live in a social community where every one is more or less our age.

One can only imagine how messed up that can get. Imagine a 18 year old telling another 18 year old what to do. Or a 19 year old having a say in how all other 19 year olds will live in their dorm rooms. That's exactly what happens in college. And we need time to deal with these things.

I've always been a hyper active child and doing only one thing has never satisfied me. Ever.

So I wake up in the morning at around 10 or 11 am and check my phone for all the updates of what happened in my world while I was sleeping. It takes about 15-20 minutes to catch up with all the whatsapp messages, facebook statuses, snapchat stories and instagram feeds. Then, like any other normal human being, I do the daily chores. Here while I empty my abdomen off the night's  urine and shit, I fill my mind with a mental list of the things that I have to do for the day. Then, I choose what to wear and go down. Classes. Lunch. Classes. Some interaction with friends and later I go play basketball or badminton. By the time I am done, the sun has set and the moon is smiling down on me.
Dinner? No Dinner?
Depends on how my day was.
A nice hot water shower and self grooming time
A call from mom and she wants me to come on skype.

But how? I have to go meet the boy I like.

I choose.

It's mostly mom, but the boy wins sometimes too. (Hoping the other one will always understand)

I have readings then. But I still want to spend some time with the boy. But I have assignments.

I choose.

The boy it is. ALWAYS.

I'm a teenager for heaven's sake.

At 2 or 3 am I realise I need to sleep, but I have assignments to do.

I choose.

Assignment it is.

Sorry sleep.

At 5 or 6 my eyes start rebelling and they want to shut themselves.

Then I sleep.

At 10 am my alarm interrupts my beautiful dreams and the cycle goes on.


That's when I wonder, where is the time?
Trust me when I say I am busy.

Sometimes I just want to take a few days off this normal schedule. I just want to lie in bed and do nothing. I want to cuddle with a friend. Watch a few rom-coms, cry a little and just take some time off this world.

I am not busy because I have assignments, I am busy because I have a life.

This busy schedule annoys me sometimes. I want to do random things sometimes. I want solace the other times. I just feel heavily over worked. 

Catching up!

I'm in Ashoka University, Studying Liberal arts. Inclining towards Psychology and History.

Adult now.

I live in two cities now. Juggling myself between two homes and two different families.

Mumbai is where I was born and brought up and lived until 2014 August. Then I started college in Sonepat, Haryana (albeit. Delhi). I'm going to be here for three years.

This place is different. Good sometimes and bad the others. None the less, happens to be my new place of solace. A place where I can be myself (or not). I have no parental authority here and no one who knows my past.

I can reconstruct my past the way I want to. And that's what I have been doing. Not too much, but there are things that need to be buried and must never be brought back to memory and I'd prefer if these remained buried.

Life, in itself is taking a new turn. I now have a choice to be who I want to be. I can decide what I want to do with little interference from adults around me. I don't know if I like this kind of a freedom. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I just want to break out of this place because I sense a lack of adventure and a hint of tediousness. While the other times I just want to stay tucked in my blanket and never leave my room. I guess this is what follows a life without dad waking me up each morning or mom asking me to stop chatting on my phone or my dog staring at me while I hog up all my chocolate reserves.

Guess I'll have to live by it.

I travel back home almost once every two months. And approximately 5-6 round trips in a year. I've become bolder, independent and fearless. I travel alone in Delhi, famously criticised for being one of the most unsafe cities in the country. I talk to people I have never met before. I am much more open to facing situations than I was previously.

It probably is a change. Or this is what growing up is about.

A new beginning?

We all have phases in our lives post which we change and things are never the same again. I had a similar one about two years ago. That's when i stopped writing. I don't know why I did but I always blamed it on a certain guy, Parshav. I was in the process of rejecting him. Or probably in the processes of rejecting his rejection. I don't know.

He was a childhood best friend.  Grown up together, almost family, I took up a liking for him. Maybe we were too young or maybe I was never good enough for him. It was hell. It probably was the first rejection of my life (with many more to come).

We went to the same high school and he began dating a girl who happened to be a good friend, Siddhi. Not wanting to be a cock block, I gave way. I started telling myself I hated him and eventually began believing in it. Over two years and after a lot of conditioning, Parshav remains nothing but a mere friend. Some one I know since the last 15 years of my life.

With this, returns my inspiration to write, again! Sadly, not poetry this time. But, in the form of a journal inspired by watching a rom-com television show featuring high school drama AWKWARD.

It may be archaic, but it's time pen and paper came back together, well not exactly but you get the point.

I have a 2 year catching up to do as my brain signals a battery low; after all it hasn't produced so many words in a long time.