I Left A Part of Me Behind...

It's only natural that we get attached to a certain place after living there for almost a year. Having to clear out what was 'my' home for the past year at Ashoka has left me with mixed feelings. On one hand, I am really happy to go back home and I look forward to a great holidays with family and friends. On the other hand,  I feel incredibly sad because I know I am not going to be in Ashoka- in MY room for the next three months.

Room number - 315

It was just an ordinary room when I first entered on 20th August 2014 and in less than a month, it had become my room. My place of solace, the place where went to sleep all night. That room has seen all my phases over the last year- it has seen me happy and cheerful, it has seen me cry over guys and other random things, it has seen me grow into a better person over the year. It has seen me work hard for my courses and it has been my hide out when I didn't want to interact with any human. So, for me- it is more than an ordinary room. It was my partner. It feel like that room was full of life, it cheered me up when I was sad, motivated me and made sure that I kept myself level headed at all times.

Having to empty the place left me thinking- was college going to be the same three months later when we come back for year 2? My batch mates are going to be the same and so am I. But my home is going to change. My personal place is going to shift to another tiny room in Ashoka. And for another year, that tiny place will become my favourite place.

I guess life has its nomadic phases where one doesn't settle in one place. Maybe I like it maybe I don't. This has by far been the fifth 'home' I have had in my life. Yes, these senses of attachment are not the same for all of them, all of them have their own goods and bads. It is only wise that I overlook the bads and cherish the goods of my home and wait as another tiny room will become a part of me over the next year.

With this tiny room gone, lot of my stories are gone too- bits of me will be forgotten. Stories I never narrated and feelings I never shared. Only my room and I know it. It's going to be a fresh start start next semester and I look forward to it as I wave good bye to yet another tiny part of me.

Ignorance and Happy Endings are Bliss !!

Sometimes your deepest fears become your best friends. What you were running away from, all your life, just happens to be the most amazing thing you have now! That is when you know that you are truly experimenting with yourself and that you are taking all your chances. 

I never thought this amount of introspection could lead to a much better personal experience for me.. atleast in this place. Surprisingly, the results have been better... much better. It is so much better to not have to worry about what someone else is thinking right now, or what someone is doing, are they mad, are they sad etc etc etc... 

It is good to be my own centre of attraction for once. And I am loving every ounce of attention I give myself. I pamper myself with food I like, watch the movies I love, play the sports I want to and mainly I follow my heart. I do what I want to do and not what I am expected to !! The last week has been amazing! I think it was about time I gave everything a chill pill and just casually went with the flow... 

Things are so much easier and clearer when I am not over thinking and wasting my energy in disliking people. Partly, a reason for my happiness is also the fact that I will be going home in 4 days and tomorrow is The Originals' Season 2 Finale :P but otherwise, the whole of last week has exactly been how I wanted it to be. I only talk to people when I want to or when they need me (which is not quite often, and I am happy about that). I leave my room only when necessary and I have almost finished packing. 

It's been an amazing end to my not-so-good semester at Ashoka. Following a good start, a crappy two months in between and an amazing week of being with myself, I am about to conclude year 1 of college. I am really happy about it. 

I am looking forward to an action packed summer... with no alcohol :P lots of physical activity and mainly, I am looking forward to visiting London and meeting a lot of new people at Cambridge.. who knows what awaits there :D 

For now, it's a happy ending to year 1 at Ashoka University and I couldn't have been more proud of myself. Only I know what I have gone through and what I have sustained. This year has just taught me that I am much stronger than I assumed myself to be and that I am the most important person in my life. I have learnt to accept myself better and love myself even more freely than before. Finally, I am really proud of myself :)

High on Life

Have you ever pretended to be something you're not not?

Many of us will say no in front of other people but deep down, in our hearts we know it is true and that there have been countless events when we have lied about being happy when we've been dying inside or pretended to be sad when nothing really happened... Or other emotions masked by a layer of artificial ones.

I'd say these are our coping mechanisms when we want to avoid unwanted communication. And believe me, there are times when you just want to be with nobody but yourself for days.

So how is this different from when we are under the influence of alcohol. I smile, laugh and dance like there's no tomorrow whenever i'm even a tiny bit tipsy because alcohol takes me to a better place. Where all my problems seem little and there is nothing more important than 'me'.

It's a place where everything is like a dream - a perfect dream of a perfect life.

It's not like we can be under the influence of alcohol 24*7 and I wouldn't even want to be... So now that I wonder, why can't I simulate such thoughts in their originality when I am completely sober and in all my senses.

Another part of me tells me it's not right to believe in things that are not true. But then what if this is the truth and I have been ignoring it all this time? What if I am actually really happy all by myself and the things I do everyday... What if all this strife is just a perceived reality and is really non-existent? What if I genuinely get happy vibes every time I go and tire myself out in the open playing some sport? What if my true happiness lies in the dance studio and at the sound of my Ghungroos? What if my real emotions act out only when I watch Pokemon and dream about having a companion like Pikachu? What if all I want to is study, play, dance and be with myself all day with bare minimum contact with other people?

What if this is exactly how I am? What if this is who I am?

I tell the other me to atleast give it a chance and try this version of reality atleast once. Some hesitation, but I agree with myself and I am ready now.. ready to give things another chance, but in my way.

People can't make a difference in my life if they barely exist for me. People can't hurt me if I don't let them.

So I take the step, and drink the tonic. The tonic of who I am and who I want to be.

It's time I get HIGH ON LIFE.