Give Up

There comes a point in our lives where you don't know what's happening around. Everything seems like a big blur, you don't know what's right and wrong. You don't know who your friends are, who really cares for you and who doesn't. You eye everyone around you with a doubting gaze because you aren't sure anymore if they ever considered you worthy of a friend or not.

Yes you feel guilty about doubting people but then you need to realize that it's because of them you are in a position like this.

We all have different dimensions in our lives... family is separate and friends are. Family, as they say, is and always will be there for you because you are bound by blood. The individual's aspiration is that they find friends who will also be there.

I feel like I have failed in the latter dimension. It's probably me... because so many people can not be bad or incorrect when they chose not to maintain their relationships with me. I hoped of finding new people, ones like me.. but I guess, no one is like me.

I don't know if that is a good thing or not. As much as I'd like to stand out, I'd also like to be with a bunch of people who enjoy my company and are willing to spend at least some time with me.

People around me these days.. it just feels like they unwillingly spend time with me. It's like they are under an obligation. Till when will these obligations go on anyway? And every time you ask them the reason for such cold behaviour - all they have to say is that 'nothing happened...you are over thinking'.

Well, why can't people just say upfront that they don't wish to spend time or talk anymore. Every thing would be so much more easier. Why do people say that they will meet you and after you've waited till 2 am in the morning, they make you wait some more, then come only to tell you that they have work and so they are going to go off with someone else now.

Yes, the truth might hurt a little, but atleast in the long term the expectations wouldn't rise and when they don't rise, they wouldn't hurt.

I don't understand why people don't understand the simplicity of conversation and communication. Why can't we just sit and have a normal conversation about how our day was and how beautiful the weather outside is. Why do you have to worry about the fact that your almost girlfriend or whatever she is will spot you with me and have a problem. And if she does.. you're in for a crazy mess mister.

Why do people choose some people over the other all of a sudden? Just because you made a new friend or someone moved into your room doesn't mean you should forget your old friend and ignore them. Just because you have a boyfriend who has fucked up perceptions about emotions, life and other normal things in general doesn't mean you should listen to everything he says and ignore someone you called your best friend.

All of these things may seem small but imagine all of them acting out on person at the same time by 4-5 different people.

How does one deal with a best friend far away, continents apart. All he can do is console me on skype. Others who live with me are all acting up in ways I can't comprehend - making me doubt my role in their lives.. does it even exist? did it ever exist?

The only option I have left is to give up. Give up this quest of hoping to find friends that could be of more worth than family ever has been. To learn the art of being happy by myself. Indulge myself into the world of books and movies and stories... coz atleast they won't abandon me like this. To find pleasure in the company of my own self or create another self perhaps.

I GIVE UP. 

An Angel in Tears

As wrong and heartbreaking as it sounds, Angels cry too... I saw one do so today morning. 

My mom 

What is it that makes mothers so emotional? Is it the love? Is it the care? The maternal instincts? 

But my dad loves me as much too... Does that mean he cries too? But I have seen him cry seldom. 

Why is it that she cries everytime I have to go? Considering that it is now a mere routine in our lives. I've been away from home for almost three years now and she still cries like it is my first time. 

Is she scared? Is she worried? 

But about what? I am a grown woman now... She knows I can take care of myself. She knows it pretty well and she agrees with it too. So then why is it that she cries? 

What triggers in her system everytime her or I have to leave? Is understanding women that difficult? But I am a woman too... And I don't cry with every goodbye. 

But I cry at the sight of her crying. Because she is my angel and angels shouldn't cry. 

Small things make a big difference...

Sometimes very small gestures make huge differences!

5 minutes ago I got a phone call from a friend of mine, Rehan, who lives just a building away from me.
Yes, we live on the same campus, just different buildings.

The call was absolutely random but it made me smile. He called me because he read a comment from LOTR and he said he thought about me (well, we had been discussing Sam and Frodo's friendship in the movie earlier)

In our times, where whatsapp is the most convenient way of communication with each other, a small phone call like this gave me immense happiness. The tiny effort made a huge difference and we just ended up talking for the next 20 minutes.

Who would have thought... we don't get that much time in the day to spend together because of our different schedules and different friend circles. But hey! No excuses!

These 20 minutes just happen to be the highlight of my otherwise low day. A quick chat about what's happening in our lives... my longing to go home, his longing to just escape everything and watch a movie instead, my countdown, LOTR, Pokemon, drama and a song he made me listen to.

These may seem the most random things ever to an outsider but these small little things made a difference. A difference enough to bring a huge smile on my face...

I was overwhelmed at a phone call like this, but have I been doing this with my friends too? Have I been making an effort, however small, to make sure my friends know that I am thinking about them?

Well not really.. how will they know that I miss them until I don't tell them I do. How would I have known Rehan thought about me when he read that comment if he hadn't called?

I guess these are the small things that make the huge impact and let our loved ones know that we care for them and we think about them often!

Thanks Rehan :D

Lord of the Rings - My Definition of Friendship

I think this was one of the few life changing movies I have seen in my life. Yes,  I hadn't seen this movie until very recently and I ask myself why. I wish I had seen it earlier.

This movie highlights a few distinct kinds of bonds that won my heart over and over again as tears dropped down my eyes every time I saw them acting up.

Legolas and Gimli - They are the reason I had the only laughs in the movie. Both cute and adorable, these both portray a very sweet affection and bonding for each other as the movies progress. Counting how many orcs they killed, cracking elf vs dwarf jokes and being there for each other each time. What moved me most about this duo is the last movie where all of them are surrounded by orcs just outside Mordor and their death seems just minutes away.

Gimli - I never thought I would die fighting beside an elf!
Legolas - How about beside a friend?
Gimli - Eh! That should do!

One could see the kind of relationship they develop along the course of them movie and these lines just got tears to my eyes.

Merry and Pippin -  These are the cutest pair in the three movies and the most notorious ones as well. Their mischief is what makes them who they are. Frankly, it surprises me when they are left alone in the forest with the tree shepherd and they manage to convince him and all the other trees to join the war. It was very unlikely of their character, but for that they expressed the loyalty of their friendship for Frodo, Sam and Boromir. In the last movie, after the war when Pippin is lying on the floor and Merry comes to find him:

Pippin - I knew you'd find me...
Merry - Of course I would
Pippin - You're not leaving again, are you?
Merry - I'm here to get you, to look after you and I am not going anywhere

Now that's the kind of friends we all need in our lives

Frodo and Sam - Need I say more? Well, in my opinion, this was an overly dominated friendship. I mean we all could see that Sam was the better one in this. Not to forget that Frodo bore the burden of the evil ring but still. Frodo would have reached no where without Sam by his side.
Note that Sam refused the possession of the ring too and chose his loyalty towards Frodo over it. Doesn't that say something about Sam too? Even Gandalf was scared to keep the ring for himself because he was scared that he would not be able to resist himself. Sam kept the ring when he thought Frodo was dead but had the will to return it to Frodo.

For me, Sam is the hero in the story. Frodo succeeded because Sam was by his side. Sam was misunderstood, went hungry, suffered more than Frodo and all of this was just for Frodo. Because he had promised to be by Frodo's side.

Lord of The Rings is much more than just a work of fiction for me. It's talking about the nature of relationships we share with people around us. The kind of trust we should have for people who are not like us but yet care for us. It teaches us the power of loyalty, care and love. It shows us that alone, we can not do much but with friends by our side, even the toughest enemy can be discarded.

Lord of The Rings gives me a new perspective to friendships and other relationships I share with the different people in my life. It makes me want to strive more and become the very people I admired in this story.

It indeed was a mind refreshing and introspective experience. 

To The Moon and Back

Two years ago in a wave of confusions and misunderstandings I made a friend so close that I cannot imagine life without him anymore. He's as protective as an elder brother, as immature as a kid, as annoying as a younger sibling and as loving as no one has ever been. I forget all my worries when I talk to him. I don't meet him in person... well he is in the USA but Skype makes it easier for us. We struggle through time differences but we manage to get out of it together. He's always been there for me and I hope I have been there for him when he needed me. 

But our friendship started on a very shaky note. His breakup, my rejection, his family, my 'friends'. It was crazy. But somehow we ended up being there for each other. We were never physically present for the other but virtually via emails, messages, skype calls we were always there. And that's what has made us so strong. Distance was our friend not foe. 

It was all great until I took up a liking for him. Probably one of the worst decisions I have made in my life. Not because he was douchebag... well, I was one. I had put a stupid crush over my friendship with him. A friendship that meant our entire world to both of us. I didn't realise what i was doing but he did. And boy, he was brilliant. 

The way he tackled it, the way he sustained all my tantrums and drama - and the way he nailed it in my head that we were more important to each other than being in a stupid relationship. Now when I look back and think about it had it not been for his maturity and sensible thinking, I would have lost the best thing that has happened in my life. I would have lost a great friend. 

The beauty of being us is that even we don't know what we are. No we are not JUST friends... but we are not lovers. We have reached a tangent of love for each other that none of it matters anymore. I love him to the moon and back and i would do anything in my power if he was in trouble. We talk once a week I guess...but when we do, it's like the world is our kingdom...

He is my best friend, he is my soulmate, he is my guardian angel and the best part of it all... he's himself. 

Love you D. 

Adopted Parents :D

This is a pictorial representation of me and my adopted parents. The just adopted themselves as my parents. And I've always been a daddy's girl ;)

I have no complaints. They are the cutest people on this earth. 

And SO AM I. 

Missing You.

What is it that people mean when they say that they 'miss' someone?

Is it the fact they aren't physically together? Or that they aren't talking to each other? Or that their mental wavelengths don't meet anymore? or something else?

I miss my dog... well, i miss his cuddles and his licks all over my face. I miss his expressions

I miss my mom... I miss fighting with her.

I miss my dad... I miss just being able to talk to him face to face, or just tickle him

I miss my brother... I miss disagreeing with him on the smallest things and i miss hitting him randomly.

But when it comes to you... I don't really know what I miss about you.

It's barely mean a month or two since I have even begun talking to you.
Yet, it seems like you know me, you understand me and you feel me.
You know it when i am sad, when i am hungry, when i am not well and when i am cheerful, when i am mad, when i am angry and when i am anything else.

I think I know you well too, but you're too complicated for me. Very very complicated. It's like that mystery that doesn't reach it's end. A maze that never ends.

I was physically away from you for two and a half days to be precise. and i dont know if i'd be lying if i said I missed you.

You were there with me throughout. In my thoughts. I never spared a moment apart from sleeping - I was texting you. I spoke to you on the phone for an hour each night.

Yet, I had that nagging feeling that urged me to say that I 'missed you'... What is that supposed to mean?

It's not like we are at a level in "whatever" we are... where we need to be physically together, because even while we are together, we talk. So what was it that I was missing?

Was it a part of you that I was missing or was it a part of me...that seems to have become a part of you?

Nightmares Of My Middle School

Most of us have good memories of middle school. Ones we want to cherish forever. Well, some of us don't. I don't.

But I am glad it happened, because it made me a stronger person. It has made me what I am today. A lot more has happened, much more than I can muster up courage to actually write because writing it means reliving it. But all of it has made me realise my own worth, the importance of self-believe and self esteem. It has made me realise the importance of having the 'right' people in my life because no real friend would have done that to me. And this is why I chose to share it. Because once it's out in the whole wide world, it's not only my secret anymore. It's a story. I guess it's time I shared it and got over it.

I cried through each grade of 6th grade because a certain guy, let's call him M, turned all my friends against me and the entire class expressed that sentiment in a game of 'Fishpond.' This game is where every person in the group of people playing takes a chit of paper and writes 1 name of a person they like from that group and 1 person they hate. I faced humiliation because every single person in 6th grade (except me) wrote that they hated me.

I still remember that day like it happened yesterday. It was one of my brief experiences with what we refer to today as bullying. I wasn't physically ragged but emotionally I was shattered. Imagine a 13 year old, being made to realise through her peers that none of them liked her or thought of her as a friend. Some of those 6th graders happened to be my childhood friends, people I'd literally grown up with. Let's call them P, H, U and obviously, M too.

None of them mattered as much as these people did. But these people voiced the same opinion as well.

P was one of the closest friends I'd ever had and he turned around, indulged in a wave of early teen popularity, never to look back at our friendship again.

H was my partner in everything, but all of a sudden, she had changed too. She needed some space. She didn't like me anymore.

U... well he was the silent kinds... what can I say, but I thought we had a lot in common. Perhaps not. Because I would never be such a bitch to someone I called a friend.

And then there's M, where can I even begin about him. I think I was M's entertainment, then. He found happiness in pulling my hair everyday. By pulling I do not mean casual pulling - pulling so hard that my head hurt and my skull swelled up. He stole my homework. Got me into trouble. Created misunderstandings. He found amusement every time i cried. He made it his personal mission to make my life a living hell.

My teachers thought I was overthinking it. My parents thought I was rebelling. No body wanted to believe what I had to say. My teachers said that I was good at everything I did and that's why they were jealous. My parents thought my behaviour and attitude towards things in general wasn't exactly right. Which was leading to these series of events.

Middle school was hell. Nothing has gotten worse till date and probably never will.

M, P, H and U are in touch with me even today. In fact M, P and U even did high school with me and U is in the same university as I am.

Yes they continued to do some equally disturbing things along these years as well, but they were too late. Because what they did in my middle school helped me build a defence. A mechanism of defence where nothing could affect me anymore. They killed a part of me which wanted to blindly trust and cherish people for who they are. They gave birth to a new me. A 'me' that is more careful, less trusting and absolutely emotionally stable on the outside. A 'me' that does not believe in crying often because I can only imaging M's laughter every time he made me cry.

I talk to them even today. It's surprising how people change. I wonder if they ever think about their middle school and I'd like to know what they have to say to it. But for me, they merely exist. They are still my 'friends' I guess and yes, if anything happened to them, I would still be there for them, because I believe that I want to be a better person and I choose to forgive them.